Sleep Escapes Me

It's 3:15 in the morning and I'm feeding my addiction instead of sleeping. I haven't had this much trouble going to sleep in ages. My brain in reeling with chaos. my hope is that if I can put just a few of those thoughts down here, then the racket will subside long enough for me to get some shut eye. I apoligize in advance for the randomness of this post. Brain not functioning properly. Note time from above.

1. Money: Tweedle needs new shoes. Her birthday is in a couple of months. Bear needs an ENTIRE summer wardrobe. I need this, that, and the other for graduation in 2 weeks. Skittles's car is two strides from the junk yard. I need a GOOD job yesterday. We won't survive this summer if I don't have one. My loan payments are due soon. Can't even begin to pay them. Other people's names are also on the loans. I could keep going. You get the picture.

2. Relationship: Skittles and I are slowly falling apart yet, today we had a really good day. The girls weren't home tonight. Could they be part of the demise of our relationship? I have no idea where to start with Skittles and I, much less how to fix up all together. I would love to go to some sort of counseling, but money is an issue. See above. I heard Bear tell The Saint (Jerkwad's girlfriend) that she loved her. Please, can we break my heart into smaller pieces? Tweedle is in trouble all the time again. She is slowly slipping away.

3. Time: Somehow I manage to spend two days a week at home, and still, I am so far behind in everything. I can't manage to get anything accomplished and I can't figure out why. Everything is barrelling toward me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Skittles says I do nothing when I'm at home. She's not wrong, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how it happens.

4. This weekend: I want to rearrange and gut Tweedle's room. Skittles says she'll help. Translation, she'll watch. I want to finish Bear's room by hanging all the pictures and what-not. Skittles wants to go grocery shopping. Yuck. And of course, laundry. Always the laundry.

Well, I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep or if I feel any better, but this was at least something. Lord knows, I can't actually talk to anyone about it. Family wouldn't understand and I have slowly lost touch with all of my friends. Everyday I wake up and wonder how in the hell I ended up here.

I'm going to try and sleep.

One Step Foward Ten Steps Back

I spent the day worrying. Knowing in my heart of hearts that the end of this phase in my life is near. There are so many variables that matter more than me living away from here. They are too long and complicated for my psyche to discuss just yet. Perhaps, I'll address them slowly. Then, maybe I can take the first step. Things here aren't that bad. They really aren't. I just know that it shouldn't be this hard. There should be more than this. The conversations, jabs, arguments, and the turmoil in my heart that results from them is too much to bear anymore. If I had somewhere to go, I would. Not to leave forever. I just need somewhere that I can go and think without simultaneously trying to hold the world on my shoulders. So far, I know this: I shouldn't have come home that night. I think we would be in a better place if I hadn't.

Working On It Takes Hard Work and Much Patience

There hasn't been a single day that I haven't wanted to tear that stupid list to shreds. It didn't do any good. NOTHING has changed. I would dare say that things have gotten exponentially worse. I didn't realize that was possible. Last night we had our umpteenth fight over something stupid. This is the status quo these days.

Before I give a play-by-play of the ridiculous argument, you need some background information. Bear's room was finished a few days ago and ready to be put back together. I made a deal with Bear (I though Skittles was on board with this as well) that, for various reasons, one of two options could occur. One, I would do her entire room, but she had no say on how it was done or what was thrown out. Or, two, she could do it, on her own, however she wanted. She chose option one, obviously. This is the option I wanted her to choose. She is a HORRIBLE pack rat and her room needs to be gutted something fierce. So, I have been doing Bear's room, by myself, for the last three days. One of the last things to be done was the moving and reconnecting of electronics. I asked Skittles to do this, since she can accomplish it much more quickly than I can. After I asked her for help, she promptly delegated to Bear and went and sat down on the couch. I reacted, probably more severely than need be, and told her that this is not what I wanted. Bear shouldn't be doing it on her own, or even at all. She huffed and puffed and stomped off to do what I asked. I responded by asking her to just go away. I don't want help if I have to pull teeth to get it.

This fight lasted all night. This morning, there was a generic exchange of apologies, as per usual. Yet, the incidence won't be talked about, nor confronted again. Skittles thinks the things we fight about are stupid and do not need to be drudged through again.

It's been about 2 weeks since I packed a bag and left. I came home with the hope that things would get better. That Skittles wanted to work on things. Did I make the wrong decision?

Working On It

Skittles and I have been having some problems lately (in case you hadn't noticed from previous blogs). We have finally said hello to the purple elephant and have started trying to send it packing. We made a list of pros and cons for each person. Real things like "I feel like I can't talk to you" and "I feel like my opinion doesn't matter". Stupid idiosyncrasies were left off the list. Probably a good thing since my goal was not to make her cry. Side note: She cried anyway.
After each list was compiled we traded and reviewed. My list to her basically said that I can't talk to her and she doesn't talk to me. Her list said that I'm domineering, selfish, and stubborn. While I will agree with one, maybe two of those things, I will adamantly DISAGREE with selfish. There are times that this could be said about me, but for the most part I spend very little time getting what I want. The kicker to her list was that for every con there was an opposite pro. For example, con: "I feel like my opinion doesn't matter and you don't care what I want" and pro: "You always try to give me what I want". WHAT!?! Whatever, that's just her. Wishy-washy and opinions constantly changing. Besides, this wasn't my point. After the revision, clenched jaw, and gritting of teeth we talked about how to fix the issues while still keeping everyone as happy as possible. My point was to write down what I am supposed to be working on, for the world to see.

My items are as follows:

• Try to live without every detail.
• Try to phrase my opinions in such a way that they leave room for others opinions.
• Try to see the gray (in between the black and white).
• Try not to back down when she reacts poorly to something I've said (point out that her reaction is overstated for what I meant).

Her list is relayed in a similar fashion for the things that she needs to work on. I make this process sound so fluid. It was like the fluidity of tar covered boulders passing through a straw. We got there, but we butted heads over most of the issues. The one that took the longest to come to any kind of agreement on was that my opinions over power everyone else's (read: hers). While I am trying to work on my phrasing, I still maintain that some (read: most) of the problem is that she doesn't stand up for her opinion. Hell, most of the time she just says that she doesn't care, when in reality she does. Then she wants to tell me that my opinions are over-whelming. They don't have a choice, but to be when it's the only one on the table.

OK, so I'll step off my mini-soap box now. I'll update you as this progress. My honest opinion is this:

Do I think this will work out? No

Do I want this to work out? With every ounce of my being.

OUCH! and The Room is Done

I just got back from the gym. I have discovered two things: I have virtually no strength and I'm going to be super sore for the next year. My arms are shaking as I type this and I've been home for half an hour.

On a different note, Bear's room is finally done. It is bright and loud. You kind of have to squint when you walk in there. It's lime green, blue, and purple. It screams. I'll post pictures this weekend. All and all I think it turned out pretty good (well, good considering the abhorrent colors that she chose). That said, I NEVER want to slop colored goo onto a wall again. Now, Tweedle wants her room painted. Ha! Dream on kid.

Training

I am working on conditioning myself so that I can pass the physical entrance test to a police academy. The one I want to apply for takes WAY more strength and endurance than I have. I talked to a club and trainer today. He said that my goals are attainable, but will require hard work. I'm not afraid of the work. What scares me off is the price: $180/month. Holy. Freaking. Cow. Are you kidding me? How in the hell can I justify spending that much money when we need so many other things?

Deep in the Bayou

So, last Friday, I decided that staying home was for losers. We, being without kids, were gonna go somewhere, anywhere. After MUCH deliberation we ended up in a Karnack, Texas on Caddo Lake. I must say, this lake was GORGEOUS! However, this lake was also a bayou. Think Spanish moss, cypress trees, and small winding canals. Friday night was great. We cooked out and watched the sun go down behind the trees. So serene. Saturday, Oh, Saturday. We decided that we were going to be adventurous. Bad decision. It was a beautiful Saturday: cool breeze, hot sun, and calm waters. About noon we ventured out to explore the waters via canoe. We mosied along for about 4 hours until we firmly decided that we were miserably lost. Well, not lost, exactly. We knew how to get home, but we also knew that we were miles from home and only had 3 hours before dark to get there. Begrudgingly and for fear of the unknown ahead, we turned our canoe back the way we came. Through tears and fear I dipped my paddle in the water and pushed the godforsaken vessel back to dry land. Oh, yea, and that nice cool breeze kicked up to 15 mph gusts that brought in storm clouds. Nice, right? I. Paddled. For Two. Solid. Hours. Two hours. That's some kind of pain, let me tell you. When we got back into town, we deduced via google maps that we ended up about 10 miles from home.

That fulfilled my adventure bug for awhile.