About Me

My photo
Texas, United States
I am an obsessive-compulsive college student trying to balance school, family, and life. Most days I do pretty well, but when I don't, it's a world-stopping show of emotions. I live with my recently divorced partner and her two kids, who don't know about our relationship. In general, my life is a mess and most days I don't know up from down, but I'm doing my best to orient myself in the right direction.

The People

Skittles: My partner with whom I live.
Bear: The eldest daughter of Skittles. She is 13.
Tweedle: The youngest daughter of Skittles. She is 8.
Jerkwad: The ex-husband of Skittles.
The Saint: Jerkwad's live-in girlfriend.

Liar: A mistake from my past.

More will be added as need be. If you have questions as to how people gained thier names, just ask.


Thursday, April 30, 2009

One Step Foward Ten Steps Back

I spent the day worrying. Knowing in my heart of hearts that the end of this phase in my life is near. There are so many variables that matter more than me living away from here. They are too long and complicated for my psyche to discuss just yet. Perhaps, I'll address them slowly. Then, maybe I can take the first step. Things here aren't that bad. They really aren't. I just know that it shouldn't be this hard. There should be more than this. The conversations, jabs, arguments, and the turmoil in my heart that results from them is too much to bear anymore. If I had somewhere to go, I would. Not to leave forever. I just need somewhere that I can go and think without simultaneously trying to hold the world on my shoulders. So far, I know this: I shouldn't have come home that night. I think we would be in a better place if I hadn't.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Working On It Takes Hard Work and Much Patience

There hasn't been a single day that I haven't wanted to tear that stupid list to shreds. It didn't do any good. NOTHING has changed. I would dare say that things have gotten exponentially worse. I didn't realize that was possible. Last night we had our umpteenth fight over something stupid. This is the status quo these days.

Before I give a play-by-play of the ridiculous argument, you need some background information. Bear's room was finished a few days ago and ready to be put back together. I made a deal with Bear (I though Skittles was on board with this as well) that, for various reasons, one of two options could occur. One, I would do her entire room, but she had no say on how it was done or what was thrown out. Or, two, she could do it, on her own, however she wanted. She chose option one, obviously. This is the option I wanted her to choose. She is a HORRIBLE pack rat and her room needs to be gutted something fierce. So, I have been doing Bear's room, by myself, for the last three days. One of the last things to be done was the moving and reconnecting of electronics. I asked Skittles to do this, since she can accomplish it much more quickly than I can. After I asked her for help, she promptly delegated to Bear and went and sat down on the couch. I reacted, probably more severely than need be, and told her that this is not what I wanted. Bear shouldn't be doing it on her own, or even at all. She huffed and puffed and stomped off to do what I asked. I responded by asking her to just go away. I don't want help if I have to pull teeth to get it.

This fight lasted all night. This morning, there was a generic exchange of apologies, as per usual. Yet, the incidence won't be talked about, nor confronted again. Skittles thinks the things we fight about are stupid and do not need to be drudged through again.

It's been about 2 weeks since I packed a bag and left. I came home with the hope that things would get better. That Skittles wanted to work on things. Did I make the wrong decision?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Working On It

Skittles and I have been having some problems lately (in case you hadn't noticed from previous blogs). We have finally said hello to the purple elephant and have started trying to send it packing. We made a list of pros and cons for each person. Real things like "I feel like I can't talk to you" and "I feel like my opinion doesn't matter". Stupid idiosyncrasies were left off the list. Probably a good thing since my goal was not to make her cry. Side note: She cried anyway.
After each list was compiled we traded and reviewed. My list to her basically said that I can't talk to her and she doesn't talk to me. Her list said that I'm domineering, selfish, and stubborn. While I will agree with one, maybe two of those things, I will adamantly DISAGREE with selfish. There are times that this could be said about me, but for the most part I spend very little time getting what I want. The kicker to her list was that for every con there was an opposite pro. For example, con: "I feel like my opinion doesn't matter and you don't care what I want" and pro: "You always try to give me what I want". WHAT!?! Whatever, that's just her. Wishy-washy and opinions constantly changing. Besides, this wasn't my point. After the revision, clenched jaw, and gritting of teeth we talked about how to fix the issues while still keeping everyone as happy as possible. My point was to write down what I am supposed to be working on, for the world to see.

My items are as follows:
  • Try to live without every detail.
  • Try to phrase my opinions in such a way that they leave room for others opinions.
  • Try to see the gray (in between the black and white).
  • Try not to back down when she reacts poorly to something I've said (point out that her reaction is overstated for what I meant).
Her list is relayed in a similar fashion for the things that she needs to work on. I make this process sound so fluid. It was like the fluidity of tar covered boulders passing through a straw. We got there, but we butted heads over most of the issues. The one that took the longest to come to any kind of agreement on was that my opinions over power everyone else's (read: hers). While I am trying to work on my phrasing, I still maintain that some (read: most) of the problem is that she doesn't stand up for her opinion. Hell, most of the time she just says that she doesn't care, when in reality she does. Then she wants to tell me that my opinions are over-whelming. They don't have a choice, but to be when it's the only one on the table.

OK, so I'll step off my mini-soap box now. I'll update you as this progress. My honest opinion is this:

Do I think this will work out? No

Do I want this to work out? With every ounce of my being.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

OUCH! and The Room is Done

I just got back from the gym. I have discovered two things: I have virtually no strength and I'm going to be super sore for the next year. My arms are shaking as I type this and I've been home for half an hour.

On a different note, Bear's room is finally done. It is bright and loud. You kind of have to squint when you walk in there. It's lime green, blue, and purple. It screams. I'll post pictures this weekend. All and all I think it turned out pretty good (well, good considering the abhorrent colors that she chose). That said, I NEVER want to slop colored goo onto a wall again. Now, Tweedle wants her room painted. Ha! Dream on kid.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Training

I am working on conditioning myself so that I can pass the physical entrance test to a police academy. The one I want to apply for takes WAY more strength and endurance than I have. I talked to a club and trainer today. He said that my goals are attainable, but will require hard work. I'm not afraid of the work. What scares me off is the price: $180/month. Holy. Freaking. Cow. Are you kidding me? How in the hell can I justify spending that much money when we need so many other things?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Deep in the Bayou

So, last Friday, I decided that staying home was for losers. We, being without kids, were gonna go somewhere, anywhere. After MUCH deliberation we ended up in a Karnack, Texas on Caddo Lake. I must say, this lake was GORGEOUS! However, this lake was also a bayou. Think Spanish moss, cypress trees, and small winding canals. Friday night was great. We cooked out and watched the sun go down behind the trees. So serene. Saturday, Oh, Saturday. We decided that we were going to be adventurous. Bad decision. It was a beautiful Saturday: cool breeze, hot sun, and calm waters. About noon we ventured out to explore the waters via canoe. We mosied along for about 4 hours until we firmly decided that we were miserably lost. Well, not lost, exactly. We knew how to get home, but we also knew that we were miles from home and only had 3 hours before dark to get there. Begrudgingly and for fear of the unknown ahead, we turned our canoe back the way we came. Through tears and fear I dipped my paddle in the water and pushed the godforsaken vessel back to dry land. Oh, yea, and that nice cool breeze kicked up to 15 mph gusts that brought in storm clouds. Nice, right? I. Paddled. For Two. Solid. Hours. Two hours. That's some kind of pain, let me tell you. When we got back into town, we deduced via google maps that we ended up about 10 miles from home.

That fulfilled my adventure bug for awhile.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Lying

What to do, what to do? What to do with the wonderful, loving, liar that lives in my house.

We have discovered that Tweedle lies. I'm not talking about lying to get out of trouble or fudging the truth to make a story better. No, I'm talking look you in the eyes and out-and-out lie about the dumbest things.

One such example:
I told Tweedle to get ready for bed. We have the same routine every night. Shower, hair, pick up floor, shake (to gain weight), and teeth. For the last few nights, I have suspected that she couldn't possibly have gotten all these things done in the short amount of time it took her to do them. But, her behavior had been improving so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. My mistake. As I was picking up this or that, I picked up her toothbrush out of the bathroom floor (eeww) and noticed that it wasn't wet. The conversation that followed this discovery involved this 8 year-old child looking me dead in the eyes and bold-faced lying to me several times. First, she told me that she dried her toothbrush with a towel, thus it's lack of wetness. Then when confronted with the dryness of the sink, she dried that, too. Finally, I felt the underside of the faucet and lo and behold, it wasn't wet either. She had no response for this. I kid you not, this child lied to me no less than 10 times about brushing her teeth. I don't understand the motivation. She says she lied because she doesn't like to brush her teeth. She doesn't like it so much, that she is willing to live through the battle that ensued?!?

I don't know what to do with her anymore. Her teachers, her mother, and I are all out of solutions. We have taken half of her crap away, grounded her, used other forms of punishment, upped the dose on her medication, and have been remarkably consistent. I think she's getting worse, not better. I don't have anymore ideas. Perhaps, she should go live with her dad for awhile. Maybe, he can crack through her thick head.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Long Time No Write

Sorry for the delay in a posting. Things at home have been CRAZY! I will be back tomorrow with many stories to tell involving getting lost in a swamp and lying about brushing your teeth.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Real World

We had a career fair at school today. I discovered that I have know idea what I need to do. I need to meet certain physical requirements, which I can't meet, for the job that I want. There are other options, that don't require fitness, that I could settle for. But, I would never be happy in any of the latter options.

So, I need a fitness expert out there. If I can get in shape by the end of the summer then I can get a piss-ass job until then. If I can't reasonably get to my goal in that amount of time, then I need to look for something more long term.

I think I'm just overwhelmed, here. I've been working so hard trying to get into good enough shape to pass these physical tests, but I can't seem to get there. I can't figure out what hurdle it is I need to jump. I don't know the steps I need to take to get to my goal.

Without this information, I have no idea what avenue to take.
I hate the real world.
School is SO much easier than this.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Weekends

Why must weekends equate to fighting in this house. I swear every single Saturday or Sunday Skittles and I get into it about something. Sometimes it's something big, sometimes small. But, always something.

Today's post will be short. Laundry, painting, school work, and grocery shopping will consume my day. *I will also find time to do something with the girls*

Oh, and fighting.

Joy.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Mediocrity and Habitual Nothingness

When did this happen? How did this happen? I understand how adults can grow apart and live two separate lives in the same house. But, how do you let that happen with your kids? I am so ashamed to admit that the 4 of us lead totally separate lives. We each go to our respective schools and/or jobs and come home. Nightly activities consist of dinner at the table (with the TV on) and TV for the rest of the night. Weekends aren't much different either. They just include errands and a few more meals (still with the TV on). The house is a mess, I'm behind in school, and we never spend time together as a family.

I first noticed the rut we had fallen into about a week ago. I started picking up Tweedle from after-school-care way earlier than usual and we ran together. But, that's about all the headway that I've made. Today, I hit the roof. Last night I decided that today was going to be about spending time together as a family. I spent hours trying to catch up in school so that today would be free. Skittles did NOTHING last night, even though she knew I wanted to do something today. I was mad at her all day and expressed my anger in passive-aggressive ways. Finally, the girls drug her bike-riding (they only rode for 15 minutes) at 7 pm. Seven. O'clock. At. Night. She couldn't be bothered before then because she didn't want to go. She also didn't want to clean the kitchen, sweep the floors, do laundry or any of the other million things that didn't get done last night. In her defense, they did get a little bit done on Bear's room today (it's coming along nicely, by the way). After they got back from bike riding and I got back from running she got an earful (she told me that I didn't give a damn before she left).

The short version of that spiel is this:
Habitual nothingness and mediocre lives are not enough anymore. TV needs to be the exception, not the rule. I'm tired of the excuses. We aren't too tired, we do have time, and we do have the money (bike riding and game playing costs nothing). I can't because I'm out of shape (Skittles's excuse) isn't going to cut it anymore either. Fix it so you can do things with your kids. I hear about all this stuff they do at their dad's house and I read blogs about super-moms who do all these activities with their kids. The detachment isn't good enough. I'm not saying one person is too blame. I am to blame, you (Skittles) are to blame, and even the girls are to blame. But, we are the adults. We, can fix it. This isn't 'it has to get better' anymore. It WILL get better.

Even if it only gets better between me and the girls. It will get better. It breaks my heart to know that I am so detached from them, that I never spend any quality time with them. Only I can put the pieces back together.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Burst Bubble

She didn't make it. She didn't just not make it, she got TWO notes. I have to go mete out punishment. She gets 2 days for the first note and 4 days for the second. And, she loses 2 things for each note.

I really don't want to do this... She has been so good. She almost made it.

I leave you with a heavy heart. I really thought she would make it.

One Can Hope

I'm going to pick up Tweedle from school in a few minutes. I REALLY hope she didn't get a note from school today. She has been note free for 9 school days. At 10 days she gets all her stuff back. This means two things:

1. I get my bedroom floor back (there's A LOT of stuff that was taken away from her)
2. Her behavior is actually getting better!

I hope, I pray, I beg...
Whatever it takes.
Please no note today.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Me, myself, and I

I had an epiphany today. I cannot change those around me, but I can change myself and how I react to those people.

I can love more and hate less.
I can cuddle more and avoid less.
I can talk more and yell less.
I can tolerate more and freak out less.
I can get things done and be lazy less.

I can do these things regardless of the moods and actions of those around me. Perhaps, my change will reflect on to them, but I cannot expect it to do so.